Chapter 1: The Decision
Chapter 1
"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's
womb...I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know
that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret
place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw
my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book
before one of them came to be." ~Psalm 139:13-16
"There is comfort in the fact that God can never be taken by surprise." ~Gabelein
In the spare room of our small apartment, I sat beside the empty crib. Clutching the
delicate spindles I pressed my head against the railing. Dr. O' Neil's words played over
and over in my mind..."I'm very sorry...There's something wrong with your baby..I
think you should consider terminating...You can try again." I closed my eyes and let
the tears fall to the carpeted floor. "Lord, how can this be?"
It takes time to adjust to the unexpected, but there was no time. I was over halfway
through the pregnancy. I had to make a decision within 48 hours in order to comply
with the state's legal limit for terminating a pregnancy. I do not believe in abortion. Dr.
O'Neil shares my conviction, but he said, "in this case" I should consider it. The
specialist concurred. Alone in the nursery I pleaded, "God, what would You have me
do?"
Staring at the sheet of pastel balloons and tiny brown bears, I thought of all the prayers
and planning that preceded this pregnancy. I rubbed the slender spindles of the crib,
remembering how Ben and I teased each other the night we assembled it. Would we
have a boy or girl? Whom would he or she look like? What kind of personality would he
have? Like children anticipating Christmas, we imagined only the pleasures of parenting.
Piece by piece with laughter and love we put together this crib and with it, our dreams
for the baby growing inside me.
The baby. I wondered, "What must this little one be feeling right now? Is he or she
aware of my fears and anxieties?" So innocent, so fragile, so dependent on me.
"Everything's going to be all right," I whispered, gently patting my bulging abdomen.
Above the crib five little bears stared down at me. It took months to cross-stitch their
busy play. I called it a hope-quilt because working on it kept my hopes up while we
were trying to conceive. I remembered how proud I was when it was completed. Now,
the little bears taunted me with their happy play. One riding the back of a white goose,
one stacking blocks, one holding a handful of pastel balloons, one flying a kite, one
sleeping soundly on the back of a rocky horse. I wondered if their cute, chubby bodies
and colorful toys would ever delight the eyes of this little one. I had so many plans and
dreams, but now everything had changed.
In those quiet moments, God spoke very clearly to my heart. The words were not
audible, but nonetheless clear. "Nothing has changed." "How can that be?" I questioned.
"Everything has changed!", I said, and as if God knew nothing of what was taking
place in my life, I reminded Him. "The doctor says this baby will probably not live
through the pregnancy. He says even if the baby does make it through the remaining
months, he will probably be stillborn or die shortly after birth...What am I supposed to
do?"
Again the same words echoed through my mind, "Nothing has changed." I weighed the
contradiction of what I felt God was saying and what the doctors said. "Whose word is
truer?" The question interrupted my thoughts. "Your word is truer, Lord", I confessed
and with that profession came the dawn of literal proof. "I'm still pregnant; that has not
changed...I still want THIS baby. That has not changed. THIS baby is still alive and
growing inside of me. That has not changed. God is still God and He is in control of
our lives. That has not changed!"
With this realization came the knowledge that God required nothing extraordinary of me
concerning this pregnancy. I was to go forward with the plans I made before this dark
diagnosis invaded my dreams. I would lend my body as a place for the baby to live and
grow. I would give my love and devotion. I would prepare a place in my heart and in
my home. For as long as God gave life, I would give this baby everything an expectant
mother has to give. I walked out of the room resolved to continue the pregnancy.
Chapter 1
"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's
womb...I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know
that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret
place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw
my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book
before one of them came to be." ~Psalm 139:13-16
"There is comfort in the fact that God can never be taken by surprise." ~Gabelein
In the spare room of our small apartment, I sat beside the empty crib. Clutching the
delicate spindles I pressed my head against the railing. Dr. O' Neil's words played over
and over in my mind..."I'm very sorry...There's something wrong with your baby..I
think you should consider terminating...You can try again." I closed my eyes and let
the tears fall to the carpeted floor. "Lord, how can this be?"
It takes time to adjust to the unexpected, but there was no time. I was over halfway
through the pregnancy. I had to make a decision within 48 hours in order to comply
with the state's legal limit for terminating a pregnancy. I do not believe in abortion. Dr.
O'Neil shares my conviction, but he said, "in this case" I should consider it. The
specialist concurred. Alone in the nursery I pleaded, "God, what would You have me
do?"
Staring at the sheet of pastel balloons and tiny brown bears, I thought of all the prayers
and planning that preceded this pregnancy. I rubbed the slender spindles of the crib,
remembering how Ben and I teased each other the night we assembled it. Would we
have a boy or girl? Whom would he or she look like? What kind of personality would he
have? Like children anticipating Christmas, we imagined only the pleasures of parenting.
Piece by piece with laughter and love we put together this crib and with it, our dreams
for the baby growing inside me.
The baby. I wondered, "What must this little one be feeling right now? Is he or she
aware of my fears and anxieties?" So innocent, so fragile, so dependent on me.
"Everything's going to be all right," I whispered, gently patting my bulging abdomen.
Above the crib five little bears stared down at me. It took months to cross-stitch their
busy play. I called it a hope-quilt because working on it kept my hopes up while we
were trying to conceive. I remembered how proud I was when it was completed. Now,
the little bears taunted me with their happy play. One riding the back of a white goose,
one stacking blocks, one holding a handful of pastel balloons, one flying a kite, one
sleeping soundly on the back of a rocky horse. I wondered if their cute, chubby bodies
and colorful toys would ever delight the eyes of this little one. I had so many plans and
dreams, but now everything had changed.
In those quiet moments, God spoke very clearly to my heart. The words were not
audible, but nonetheless clear. "Nothing has changed." "How can that be?" I questioned.
"Everything has changed!", I said, and as if God knew nothing of what was taking
place in my life, I reminded Him. "The doctor says this baby will probably not live
through the pregnancy. He says even if the baby does make it through the remaining
months, he will probably be stillborn or die shortly after birth...What am I supposed to
do?"
Again the same words echoed through my mind, "Nothing has changed." I weighed the
contradiction of what I felt God was saying and what the doctors said. "Whose word is
truer?" The question interrupted my thoughts. "Your word is truer, Lord", I confessed
and with that profession came the dawn of literal proof. "I'm still pregnant; that has not
changed...I still want THIS baby. That has not changed. THIS baby is still alive and
growing inside of me. That has not changed. God is still God and He is in control of
our lives. That has not changed!"
With this realization came the knowledge that God required nothing extraordinary of me
concerning this pregnancy. I was to go forward with the plans I made before this dark
diagnosis invaded my dreams. I would lend my body as a place for the baby to live and
grow. I would give my love and devotion. I would prepare a place in my heart and in
my home. For as long as God gave life, I would give this baby everything an expectant
mother has to give. I walked out of the room resolved to continue the pregnancy.
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