Chapter 1: The Decision
"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb...I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your
works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was
woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your
book before one of them came to be." ~Psalm 139:13-16
"There is comfort in the fact that God can never be taken by surprise." ~Gabelein
In the spare room of our small apartment, I sat beside the empty crib. Clutching the delicate spindles I pressed my head against the
railing. Dr. O' Neil's words played over and over in my mind..."I'm very sorry...There's something wrong with your baby..I think you
should consider terminating...You can try again." I closed my eyes and let the tears fall to the carpeted floor. "Lord, how can this be?"
It takes time to adjust to the unexpected, but there was no time. I was over halfway through the pregnancy. I had to make a decision within
48 hours in order to comply with the state's legal limit for terminating a pregnancy. I do not believe in abortion. Dr. O'Neil shares my
conviction, but he said, "in this case" I should consider it. The specialist concurred. Alone in the nursery I pleaded, "God, what would You
have me do?"
Staring at the sheet of pastel balloons and tiny brown bears, I thought of all the prayers and planning that preceded this pregnancy. I
rubbed the slender spindles of the crib, remembering how Ben and I teased each other the night we assembled it. Would we have a boy or
girl? Whom would he or she look like? What kind of personality would he have? Like children anticipating Christmas, we imagined only the
pleasures of parenting. Piece by piece with laughter and love we put together this crib and with it, our dreams for the baby growing inside
me.
The baby. I wondered, "What must this little one be feeling right now? Is he or she aware of my fears and anxieties?" So innocent, so
fragile, so dependent on me. "Everything's going to be all right," I whispered, gently patting my bulging abdomen.
Above the crib five little bears stared down at me. It took months to cross-stitch their busy play. I called it a hope-quilt because working on
it kept my hopes up while we were trying to conceive. I remembered how proud I was when it was completed. Now, the little bears
taunted me with their happy play. One riding the back of a white goose, one stacking blocks, one holding a handful of pastel balloons, one
flying a kite, one sleeping soundly on the back of a rocky horse. I wondered if their cute, chubby bodies and colorful toys would ever delight
the eyes of this little one. I had so many plans and dreams, but now everything had changed.
In those quiet moments, God spoke very clearly to my heart. The words were not audible, but nonetheless clear. "Nothing has changed."
"How can that be?" I questioned. "Everything has changed!", I said, and as if God knew nothing of what was taking place in my life, I
reminded Him. "The doctor says this baby will probably not live through the pregnancy. He says even if the baby does make it through the
remaining months, he will probably be stillborn or die shortly after birth...What am I supposed to do?" Again the same words echoed through
my mind, "Nothing has changed." I weighed the contradiction of what I felt God was saying and what the doctors said. "Whose word is
truer?" The question interrupted my thoughts. "Your word is truer, Lord", I confessed and with that profession came the dawn of literal
proof. "I'm still pregnant; that has not changed...I still want THIS baby. That has not changed. THIS baby is still alive and growing inside of
me. That has not changed. God is still God and He is in control of our lives. That has not changed!" With this realization came the
knowledge that God required nothing extraordinary of me concerning this pregnancy. I was to go forward with the plans I made before this
dark diagnosis invaded my dreams. I would lend my body as a place for the baby to live and grow. I would give my love and devotion. I
would prepare a place in my heart and in my home. For as long as God gave life, I would give this baby everything an expectant mother has
to give. I walked out of the room resolved to continue the pregnancy.
"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb...I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your
works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was
woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your
book before one of them came to be." ~Psalm 139:13-16
"There is comfort in the fact that God can never be taken by surprise." ~Gabelein
In the spare room of our small apartment, I sat beside the empty crib. Clutching the delicate spindles I pressed my head against the
railing. Dr. O' Neil's words played over and over in my mind..."I'm very sorry...There's something wrong with your baby..I think you
should consider terminating...You can try again." I closed my eyes and let the tears fall to the carpeted floor. "Lord, how can this be?"
It takes time to adjust to the unexpected, but there was no time. I was over halfway through the pregnancy. I had to make a decision within
48 hours in order to comply with the state's legal limit for terminating a pregnancy. I do not believe in abortion. Dr. O'Neil shares my
conviction, but he said, "in this case" I should consider it. The specialist concurred. Alone in the nursery I pleaded, "God, what would You
have me do?"
Staring at the sheet of pastel balloons and tiny brown bears, I thought of all the prayers and planning that preceded this pregnancy. I
rubbed the slender spindles of the crib, remembering how Ben and I teased each other the night we assembled it. Would we have a boy or
girl? Whom would he or she look like? What kind of personality would he have? Like children anticipating Christmas, we imagined only the
pleasures of parenting. Piece by piece with laughter and love we put together this crib and with it, our dreams for the baby growing inside
me.
The baby. I wondered, "What must this little one be feeling right now? Is he or she aware of my fears and anxieties?" So innocent, so
fragile, so dependent on me. "Everything's going to be all right," I whispered, gently patting my bulging abdomen.
Above the crib five little bears stared down at me. It took months to cross-stitch their busy play. I called it a hope-quilt because working on
it kept my hopes up while we were trying to conceive. I remembered how proud I was when it was completed. Now, the little bears
taunted me with their happy play. One riding the back of a white goose, one stacking blocks, one holding a handful of pastel balloons, one
flying a kite, one sleeping soundly on the back of a rocky horse. I wondered if their cute, chubby bodies and colorful toys would ever delight
the eyes of this little one. I had so many plans and dreams, but now everything had changed.
In those quiet moments, God spoke very clearly to my heart. The words were not audible, but nonetheless clear. "Nothing has changed."
"How can that be?" I questioned. "Everything has changed!", I said, and as if God knew nothing of what was taking place in my life, I
reminded Him. "The doctor says this baby will probably not live through the pregnancy. He says even if the baby does make it through the
remaining months, he will probably be stillborn or die shortly after birth...What am I supposed to do?" Again the same words echoed through
my mind, "Nothing has changed." I weighed the contradiction of what I felt God was saying and what the doctors said. "Whose word is
truer?" The question interrupted my thoughts. "Your word is truer, Lord", I confessed and with that profession came the dawn of literal
proof. "I'm still pregnant; that has not changed...I still want THIS baby. That has not changed. THIS baby is still alive and growing inside of
me. That has not changed. God is still God and He is in control of our lives. That has not changed!" With this realization came the
knowledge that God required nothing extraordinary of me concerning this pregnancy. I was to go forward with the plans I made before this
dark diagnosis invaded my dreams. I would lend my body as a place for the baby to live and grow. I would give my love and devotion. I
would prepare a place in my heart and in my home. For as long as God gave life, I would give this baby everything an expectant mother has
to give. I walked out of the room resolved to continue the pregnancy.
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